Hi everyone, This will probably be my final blog update. I've been back for about a week and a half now. The holiday was great, but I'm not gonna talk about that. I'm sure my mother will show you the photos eventually. We saw heaps, enjoyed ourselves a lot and that's all I'm gonna say about it. What I want to talk about now is how I've been. Yes, I'm gonna be selfish and talk about myself. As I always do. Cause I'm a selfish person and that's how it's gonna be. I'm okay. I guess I am, at least. I'm okay because I feel like I should be. But in reality, that's not how it is. When I arrived in Amsterdam that Friday afternoon, I didn't quite know what to feel. I was sad because I was officially back in the country, away from home, and I was excited because I finally got to see my friend again. Damn, I forgot how tall he actually is. Or how tiny I am? Either way, it was disappointing. But it was good. Talking online just doesn't quite cover it. It's not the same as actually seeing each other and hearing each other's voice. I'd missed that. Missed that a lot. Unfortunately, I was very tired and didn't talk much. The things I did say were complaints about my surroundings. Bad thing to do. I shouldn't have done that. But in my defence, I was exhausted and didn't know what else to say. Then we got back home. That was strange to say the least. It took me way too long to figure out how the shower worked and my own bedroom just didn't feel right. But at least I wasn't alone. Few days later, I left the country again. Not nearly as fas as Australia. No, just a one hour flight this time, to London. Good decision. Nice apartment, close enough to the city centre. Sounds great, right? I'll have to say, it was pretty amazing. But there were a few things I wish I didn't do. Like complaining, overthinking and freaking out about pretty much everything. Why? Fuck if I know. I didn't mean to. Why can't I just be fun and kind and a good friend? Instead, I'm rude, way too dramatic, a shit friend and I'm only fun in those rare moments where not even I am sure what's happening. And yet, a person, a real person, put up with me for those four days. I simply don't get it. That kid must be the most amazing person to have ever walked this earth. But I guess where I'm going with this, is that I'm not happy with how things are right now. I know I've changed. More than just a bit. But now that I'm back, it's like I'm also back to being paranoid, to overthinking and to always assuming the worst. I know this is not who I am, and it's sure as hell not who I want to be. I just want to be a decent person. I want to be a good friend. Be there for my friends, have fun with them, play board games, only give my opinion when they ask me for it, and not worry about them hating my guts because I freaked out on them again. I just want to sleep like a normal person and not lie awake because I'm so afraid that I fucked up again. What happened to the person I was only a couple of weeks ago? I was confident, happy, and not at all paranoid. I didn't overthink every single thing and I felt like I was a nicer person and a better friend. What happened? Is it because I miss home? Is it the stress of knowing that school starts again next week? What is it? It's not like I want to move away right now. I've missed hanging out with my friends too much. It doesn't get much more fun than that. Perhaps it's because I'm back in the routine again. Everything is the same as before I left, and I feel like I can't be a different person because it wouldn't be accepted. I'm back as a different person, in a place that hasn't changed one bit. People still expect the same things from me, they treat me the same and I obviously can't blame them for that cause they don't know any better. They haven't seen me change. But I have, people. I have different needs but the problem is, I wouldn't know what those needs are. I wouldn't be able to put them into words even if I tried. And that's the difficult part. I don't know who I am anymore. I need to talk about this to someone, but I'm not sure if I can. And I'm not sure if they feel like dealing with this. I don't want to drag them into this, but I kinda have to, in order to change this situation. To make it better. I'm gonna need them to figure out who I want to be now, I'm gonna need them more than ever. But they're gonna have to be very patient with me and I'm afraid that's too much to ask. I've already asked too much. But please believe me when I say I'm really trying. Rant over. Thank you. Have a great day, Laura