Hi everyone,

This is something I need to write for myself. For future reference, perhaps? If you like it, that’s great. And if you don’t, that’s fine. I’m not here to judge you. This is mainly for myself, so don’t take this the wrong way and think I’m trying to tell you how to live your life. Remember when I told you I wanted to come back as a better person? Well, I’m still trying to figure out how to achieve that. What I need to do first is become a better person for myself. If I can’t accept myself, who will? I shouldn’t have to change for anyone. This is why I’m telling you right now that I want to change for no one but myself. If I don’t, I will always try and find new flaws and new reasons to feel sorry for myself. I will keep talking myself down in bad moods and drag along those who decided that I was worthy enough to spend their precious time and energy on and try to help me. It’s selfish, really. This is where all of that ends. From now on, my main emotion is happy.

How to be happy, you ask? In theory, it’s really simple: Decide every morning that you are in a good mood. That’s it. That’s the key to happiness. Wake up with one positive thought and hold onto that thought for the entire day. What always gets me is that I get really upset when someone important to me isn’t happy. Have you ever tried to cheer up a really good friend? It’s hard, isn’t it? And it’s so damn frustrating when they just brush you off or say they’re not as amazing as you think they are. Trying to cheer up a friend whom you adore is so difficult, it’s like trying to convince the sun of its own warmth. If you could see yourself the way I see you, you’d never think badly of yourself ever again.

That makes me wonder why I’m so stupid. Why do I say that? Because that’s exactly what I do. I can’t accept compliments and I always try to find a way to talk myself down. Why do I do that? What’s the purpose? How does that make anything better? You see, I did it again. I talked myself down, called myself stupid. I’m not stupid. I’m just trying to figure out who I am, and most importantly, who I want to be. And I will stop calling myself stupid, or pathetic, or dumb, or annoying even. Because I’m not any of that. My actions sometimes are, yes, and so are my thoughts. But never me as a person. Even when I think I am, I’m really not. I should never feel stupid because I felt something I didn’t want to feel. That doesn’t make me stupid, it makes me human. Even right now, it takes everything in me not to say I’m annoying by just writing this.

I’m gonna stop feeling sad for no reason at all. And if you do talk to me while I’m sad without a valid reason, I hereby give you permission to tell me to get the fuck over myself and smile. After all, I only make things worse for myself. I really am my own worst enemy. Self-acceptance will get you anywhere. I’m not as bad as I think I am. And I’m probably a better person than you think I am. If you’re not sure of that, you might want to try and get to know me. Really get to know me. Ask someone who really knows me what I’m like with no one else around.

Life is all about doing fun things with fun people. Do you ever just think of someone and immediately get really happy because their mere existence is a source of happiness to you? Surround yourself with similar people. Hang out with someone who randomly gives you compliments. People who decide to compliment you just to see you smile are very important. Let go of the negativity in your life. You don’t need any of those things. What you do need is to find something that will never fail to make you smile. To hell with those who won’t let you enjoy those things. Nothing hurts if you don’t let it.

Ask people to talk about something they’re passionate about. It’s one of the most satisfying things you can do. Pay attention. Watch the light that enters their eyes when they start talking about something they love. The little arm gestures they make, that genuine and amazing smile that slips onto their face when they realise someone’s listening. Enthusiastic and passionate people are the most precious human beings on this earth and I wish more people were like that. Do yourself a favour and watch them talk. It will brighten your day.

Don’t read this and think you’re not allowed to be sad. Of course you are. You are allowed to feel things. And please, don’t ever listen to people who tell you that you can’t be sad because there are so many people that have it worse than you. That’s such a shitty thing to say. Just think about it. They’re basically saying that no one’s allowed to be happy because there will always be someone who has it better. No, just don’t do it. Telling people there are kids starving in Africa will not make the sadness go away either. It will only make them feel worse. Do not mock a pain you haven’t endured. You’re allowed to be sad. But please, whatever you do, don’t suffer in silence. It’s okay to let people know how you feel, it’s okay to cry. You don’t have to be strong. Not even if your parents tell you that boys don’t cry. A big ‘fuck you’ to gender roles and just let it all out. It’s okay. Neither being male or female comes with terms and conditions.

Don’t settle for something that does not make you happy. Don’t finish crappy books. If you don’t like the menu, leave the restaurant. If you’re not on the right path, get off it. Do what you love. If you’re not happy, change something. It doesn’t have to be something big. Get a haircut, choose a different colour nail polish, pet your dog, talk to your cat, make art, go for a walk, listen to classical music, or ask your friend to come over and sit on the floor with you. Anything.

The reason why I’m writing this is because I don’t want to waste my life thinking everyone secretly hates me. I only trust a handful of people, and I realise that’s not healthy. I need to sit back and remind myself that not everyone I let in is going to hurt me. It’s starting to become a problem when I’m so focused on myself and how terrible I think I am, that I don’t even believe anyone who tells me otherwise. Why and how people put up with me is a question I ask myself every day. That has to change. I want to feel worthy of their time. I don’t want to decide not talking to certain people because I don’t feel like I’m worth their time. I want them to think I’m a good friend and I want them to actually enjoy talking to me and spending time with me. I don’t want to be a burden and I don’t want to feel like I’m annoying or bothering them every time I talk about my feelings. I don’t want to be afraid that they’re not telling the entire truth. I shouldn’t be afraid. They’re still there, so I must be doing something right.

Low self-esteem isn’t gonna solve anything. And worrying people because of it definitely isn’t worth it. With only 4.5 months left, I have every reason to push myself to the limit and become exactly the person I want to be. The best version of myself I can possibly be and the best of humanity to others. Standing up for what I believe in and never letting anything get me down. And lastly, give more and expect less. Some people never follow the script, but that only makes it more valuable when they do say something you wanted them to say.

No one can live your life like you can. Even at your worst, you are incredible.

Enjoy your day and give it all you’ve got,

Laura